~Jacqueline_Ch~

1.45am. Feel like i’m lonely n there’s no1 to talk to. WAnna call Hc but he’s in class. Other frens? Sleeping or they’re not available.. Sigh…

Kinda sad n disappointed that i’ve been kinda wronged for the changes in my tots n the way I view life. I may have changed for the better, I may have changed for the worse, who knows? I was thinking maybe my change came too drastically for my closed ones to accept that they take it a little too harshly. I dunno.. THat’s my guess…

It feels like my POV is hard to be understood. Its kinda hard to share this view besides the few person that I know who advocates similar views as well.

I’m not blaming those who may have misunderstood me cos i understand that we were conversing based on different perspectives. Everyone has their personal values. Everyone has their very unique way of making sense of the world. So, there’s no right or wrong to it… It’s a very subjective issue. It’s a matter of perception nonetheless…

I guess changes come with consequences, good n bad of cos. Undeniably…

N again, I stress that I’m not being negative. I shifted my attention towards more realisticism. There are ideals in life n those hopes are the ones that keep us striving forward. At the same time, we need to face the harshness n reality of life. BALANCE, i would say, is the best…

I know I have changed. Good or bad, i dunno.. U decide…

It’s April 26th, 2006. Happy Birthday Shin!

My spring semester is coming to an end in about 2 weeks time. Time flies. Seemed like I was just here not long ago, still remembering the fresh details of when I first got here. All the unfamiliarity & awe. Really enjoyed the time when we were relaxing, a week before the spring semester started. Just plain leisure & fun. No worries about assignments, readings, group meetings etc. Taking our own sweet time to everything… Very soon i’ll have that chnace again. Very  very soon. But before that i’ll have to go through a "death" session filled with assignments n finals n presentations. Let me see… I have a lit review due on next Monday & i’m hardly half way through it (was given the whole sem to do it & i super procrastinated; then again, i didn’t cos there were tonnes of things to do through out the sem). Then, I have Personality Finals on that week’s Friday. 2 big papers & 1 presentation due on the Monday after that. ARM paper n presentation due on the subsequent Wednesday. Dead? Sure thing! Everything just had to cram towards the end. Sigh… By then it’ll be the 10th of May. Have to shift our things to the new house either on the 11th or 12th & on the 13th, off to Minneapolis we go. N of cos the day, we depart with out seniors… *sob sob*

Things are getting better now. I’m well aware that i need to find a balance between reality and optimism. I know i was too rigid. I guess I wasn’t mature enuf to handle the messiness n ugliness of life. And another thing is that there are consequences that come with changes, whether they are negative or positive or whether it was anticipated or not. I think it was quite a blow to the ppl that i’m close with to see my drastic change in my thoughts, my philosophy of life. Disappointment especially… These changes can be good n they can be bad, if they are at the extremes. So, that’s wat i mean by balancing them out. Setting a "qualifier" so that i don go beyond wat i’m capable of coping…

I do think that love is fragile and we, humans, are weaklings that allow ourselves to fall into that trap of fragileness. Love is not a fairytale where a particualr prince of charming just comes into ur life n scoops u up in his strong arms, providing u all the security in the world…. BUT, I believe that love is ONLY fragile if we ALLOW it to be. If we want the love to strengthen, we can. If we want it to last, it can then last. We can if we want to! Effort is needed in order to build security. No fruits come without labor. I’m not all that negative cos i believe that there’s hope if I continue believing that there is…

I love Khoo Hau Chun!

… Thats all for now… Gotta continue with assignment… Sad life…

Yes… after giving the matter much thought, i’ve come up with a "subconclusion". It;s a sub cos it’s not the final. Haha… Lame… I don think i’ve come to a final answer but at least for now, i’ve found one that is good enough. I will eventually come up with an ultimate answer which is satisfying to everyone, esp to me n him.

Noone knows whether his or her partner is the "one". Nothing is absolute in life. No one can tell how the future is going to be like. No one can for certain say "yes, this is wat will happen". THings are just plainly unpredictable. 10 minutes, 10 hours, 10 days, 10 weeks, moreover 10 years down the road. Too much confusion n uncertainty in life. BUT… one thing that i’m sure for now is that
"We love each other & it’s not the end of the relationship. I definitely, without a doubt, still wanna be with him. I cannot guarantee what will happen in the future, but for now, he means a lot to  me & i wanna be with him as long as possible."

I was lost. I didn’t know where I was standing or heading in the relationship. I didn’t know what to expect neither did i know what expectations or anticipations there were. Now, i’ve found my stand. I’ve found my "direction". It’s not leading to somesort of a future but at least, i’m sure of myself, sure of the relaitonship. Sure that he’s the guy I love. Sure that I wan him as a part of my life…

Does this mean that he’s the one? I dunno… May be to some ppl, yes the answer is obvious. But not yet to me. "It’s a matter of choice" someone said. I haven’t gone to that "stage" where i’m all that mature n conscious. Too conscious i would say… Someday, somehow, i’ll find out the answer myself. I’ll find out my own way of understanding this concept of "the one"…

I think i may have sounded a little too serious n heavy in my previous blog. Well, my mind was rily clouded… Haha…

It seems that i’ve lost my naive, optimistic self. Being so much more critical of life than i’ve even been in the past… I want that part of me back. Need more self reflecting to do. I wanna find that "me" again n reinstall but this time, with new n altered philosophies n values. A more balanced one…

Thank u for triggering such thoughts in my mind. Made me realize another point of life that i hadn’t realized before. Without threats, i wouldn’t learn to appreciate my relationship more. What is safe without insecurity. So, i’m thankful in a way… There’s always a positive behind negatives. Look on the bright side (look who’s talking haha…) An opposite pole to everything in life. No absolutes. No rigid boundaries….

Currently in a lost situation. Whole mind is mixed up. Very very mixed up & confused. Didn’t realize it until i verbalize those thoughts out. & i think i have indirectly impacted someone’s life (& mine of cos) with wateva i said… I didn’t mean it in a harsh way. I was just being truthful. Much too truthful I would say. Should’ve done it more sparingly. I truly apologize…

I know it’s been centuries since I last updated by blog. Those of you who are keeping yourselves informed through my blog, i apologize for being "irresponsible".

Festival of Nations is on this Saturday, April 8th 2006, from 3pm to 7pm. It’s a yearly cultural event organized by the International Students Organization (ISO). There’s gonna be performance, games, foods, merchandises etc. Fun! Fun! Fun!

Almost, or should I say all, international students are involved in this event. Seemed like we’re all multipurpose. Haha… My gang itself is gonna be involved in 2 performances - 1 singing & 1 dancing, dessert selling, ticket selling, chinese words writing? (Maybe…) Anyway, it’s definitely gonna be a busy busy day.

Since last Friday till today has really been a hectic week for me. We finally decided to go ahead with the Indian dance after much contemplation (i.e. last minute, no song, no choreographing…) Well, there wasn’t much of choice since they told the press that there was gonna be an Indian dance. So, what the heck… Intensive practice since friday night, saturday morning & evening & Sunday evening. Then, practice on Monday & Tuesday night from about 10-12++am?? There’s practice again today & of cos tomoro. Man, this is seriously taking up alot of my time & energy & everything. Then again, this was wat to be expected the day we came up with this decision. Too late to regret now huh? Went for costume shopping yesterday. Took us 2 & a half hours just to decide on the proper & suitable clothing for the dance. We’re glad that everyone liked our choice of the costumes. Cost about $30 for each suit. Liked the skirts’ "cling-ing" sound. Haha… Were practising yesterday with the costumes. Then, just went ahead to videotape it for the hall video competition. There was another bunch of guys who were doing their video as well (we were all at the lounge) & they were sooooooooooooooo irritating. Disruptive! Haha… & out of no where, 2, or should I say 3, silly "drunken" guys came along & danced with us while we were practising. Shitty people!

There’s also ticket selling everyday. Have to help out.. Sigh..

Super tiring… There are still so much major assignments to be done & here we are, practising for FON. & Driscoll wants a bibliography by thi Friday when I don even have the title chosen out yet. Excellent! Just Great! What am I gonna do? As usual, drowning in the midst of assignment.. I NEED HELP!!!

University life can be fun but it’s sucky with all the reading & assignments due.

Wish all stress will end really soon…